The meaning of the title is not deep: I picked up a 10.00$ Interrogator Barricade transformer and perched him on top of a 10.00$ zen fountain. I placed the lamp over top so his eyes glow. Frankly, it's pretty amazing when he isn't falling off due to overenthusiastic typing nearby.

Got four of those Heart set in the works. What with the compositioning and the thinking and whatnot. For some reason I really like them. I like to think they're therapeutic, but it might just be me enjoying not having to pay attention to anatomy and other troublesome things (like linear perspective.) They're titled first, with an adjective, then I work out the composition, lighting and body type depending on what I think would suitably convey the word... all set in my own weird emotional landscape context.
Adjectives so far:

Awkward (finished draft 1)
Determined (finished draft 1)
Strong
Joyous
Failing
Sane

Feel free to recommend one or two more!

Also, I just remembered I need to shovel off the roof. Crap. I was hoping to forget about that.

My right hand is shaking. Some kind of synaptic tremor. After architecture, I kind of feel that I can do nothing right- that unknown forces are judging me, and always finding something wrong- because I am incapable of doing the right thing, in the end. I am tired of the mind games my mind plays with me. And I am terrified that it is right.

Anyway, on a less sober note, I applied to three local colleges. God willing one will take me. I'm considering joining the Peace Corps, but twenty seven months stranded in a rural village without medication sounds like a bad idea...

I've been going to the gym nearly every day, but I don't think my muscles are used to it yet. I actually had to put lighter weights on the machines, compared to last time. And the DDR pads there are set to 1.0 speed. Which kind of is really, really bad for me.

So, all-in-all, basically still without a coherent direction. Went to the architecture reviews, which were interesting and depressing. Basically spent the time as an academic vagrant, listlessly shifting from room to room, occasionally wishing I were less crazy. By the end of the day I just couldn't take it anymore- the contempt, real or imagined, drove me from the building.

So, let me re-iterate: Still not sane. Still making snap-bad-decisions. Working on the gym stuff as a way of distracting me and keeping my energy level up, working on the art stuff to help distract me and keep my self-esteem from dropping below zero. An up-hill battle on both fronts.

Gotta get some pencil and paper stuff going again, aside from the digital stuff, still colouring older drawings. Any suggestions for subject matter would be appreciated.

Oh well.

Not too much going on. Starting a fitness program, for some reason I've been resisting starting serious resistance training. My upper body is noodily. And not those healthy whole wheat noodles. More like Chicken-Flavored Ramen.

Art wise: I'm going to keep on trying to work towards skilldom; a goal in which I suffered an unfortunate setback yesterday. I thought, "Hey, I should try and re-draw somebody else's photographic deviation so that I can re-learn anatomy!" So that's when I discovered I now have the observational drawing skills of a kindergarten student.

"Oh wow Jimmy! Is that a horse?"

"No Ms. Dee, it's a person, I was trying to practice my observational drawing skills by reproducing a photograph from deviantart."

"This is great! We should show it to your parents!"

....

Anyway: big setback. Going to have to put in some serious time. Also going to go back and digitally record some of older stuff; this is in the hopes of putting together some sort of portfolio for a M.F.A in graphic design or animation... fat chance for right now, but I figure if I can keep plugging away at drawing, and get some sort of job in the interim I should be fine...

Also figuring to pick up some of the supplies I left at studio... on Wednesday for Senior Critiques (hurray?)... just pencils and whatnot, I'm not sure what I left there...

Oh hey.

Ahm workin' on resanitizing myself. Did you know I actually thought I could control the weather a few weeks ago? True story. Fortunately now I am on a path to wholesome wellness.

Or at least wellness. Well-ish-ness, anyway.

On the art side of it, I'm starting to produce a little more. I Have something pretty cool in the works, so I'm going to try and keep from wrecking it this time.

Awh man. Totally forgot the FIRST RULE of extrapersonal relationships (i.e. everyone else...)

They don't care.

So I cared about what I thought people thought too much... "Agh!" I said. "Woe is me!" I said. "Disgraceful! How could this all have been in vain?!? I thought I was going to be at least competent in architecture! But alas I have let everyone down..."

And technically that was all true. Except no one really cared anyway, and I should probably have just kept going. Even if the designs were stupid, and social phobias made every public interaction highly uncomfortable.

I always try and second guess what other people are thinking about me... Which is really quite bad because I don't have the skills to cope with all the negative stuff I come up with. Much of which is probably true.

So I freaked out and ditched everything... my connection with reality is tenuous at the best of times... during downward spiral freakout mode it's pretty much non-existent. And now I've completely alienated myself from the architecture department. Which uh. Was kind of part of the point. "Not worthy." But it was a shitty point to have made.

So.

Back in Baltimore.

I've been stewing in a sweet and sour mix of self-pity and a really, really relaxed lifestyle. It's pretty funny, because I didn't actually intend to feel any better? But I definitely do. Summer break rocks.

Which is to say, this is the worst thing I could possibly have done.

I'm not going to be able to change anything if I just sit here on my ass all day, reading books and doing household chores. So I finally am exercising slightly. It's enjoyable. Awh hell. I'm still out of shape. Actually considering joining the Army. Where I'm sure I would be eaten alive and/or injure many people on the same side.

"Oh shit! Jesse's got our six! We're all going to die..."

But the thought appeals for some reason. I mean, it's either that or "continuing education" or... ugh... retail. Yeah. Could try and swing a job at Target or Wal-mart or something, I'm sure they need vaguely strapping young men for cart retrieval during the holidays.

So yeah. No one cares. This is a good thing. As long as I can keep it in mind. Otherwise things go loopy and sharp, and generally slice my life to ribbons. Which I'm not saying isn't going to happen anyway.